Welcome to Row Z, The Athletic’s weekly column that shines a light on the bonkers side of the game.
From clubs to managers, players to organisations, every week we’ll bring you the absurdities, the greed, the contradictions, the preposterousness and the oddities of the sport we all love…
A step too VAR?
March 3, 2018: A great day for football as the International Football Association Board (IFAB) announces the introduction of video assistant referees into the sport.
Before its inception, there is already opposition to VAR, but IFAB assures the world it will “increase integrity and fairness in the game”.
Sounds good! If the process is swift, decisive and eradicates glaring errors, we’re all for it.
But hang on, just to double check, there’s going to be an incredibly high bar for VAR intervening in decisions, right? We don’t want the game being stopped for minutes at a time to check basic things like offside or handballs. That would be absolutely dreadful for the flow, entertainment and feeling of the whole sport for match-going fans.
No wait, looks like IFAB has got it covered: “The philosophy of VARs is ‘minimum interference — maximum benefit’ which aims to reduce unfairness caused by ‘clear and obvious errors’ or ‘serious missed incidents’.”
Phew! Looks like our sport is safe in the hands of our governing bodies. Hurray for IFAB! Hurray for football!
February 28, 2026: Play stops for two minutes and 53 seconds to determine if Burnley’s Jaidon Anthony is offside in the build-up to a goal that would have put his side 4-3 up, having been 3-0 down to Brentford.
Also February 28, 2026: Play stops for five minutes to determine if Ashley Barnes handles the ball before scoring a goal that would make it 4-4 in stoppage time.
Also, also February 28, 2026: IFAB brings in new VAR rules meaning yellow cards and corners can be checked during matches.
Still, as these measures were introduced in a press release which says in its title that IFAB’s ideas will improve match flow, we have every faith in the lawmakers of the game that football matches will speed up and get much better, if anything. Hurrah for IFAB!
February 16, 2027: IFAB announces that all throw-in decisions will be checked by VAR. And all free kicks. And whether the coin was tossed in the correct manner before kick-off.
The weird and wonderful world of the club shop
In a momentous week for Wolverhampton Wanderers, who earned just their second victory of the season to keep Derby County’s record of 11 points in a season intact, the main talking point amongst the team’s followers on social media wasn’t about Rob Edwards’ tactical nous or Joao Gomes’ nicely-taken opening goal.
No, there were several posts doing the rounds about the price that a Wolves golf club cover was being sold for in the club shop.
What’s the matter babe? You’ve barely used your £50 Wolves Blade Putter Cover
— Nick Goff (@nickgoff79) February 24, 2026
Only £50 ($67) for a scorecard holder? Bargain, we’ll have two.
Anyway, Wolves are certainly not the only offenders here. Near neighbours Aston Villa also sell golf club covers for the same price, although their golf scorecards are only £15.
Peruse the online club shops of every single Premier League club and it won’t take you long to discover weird, even unhinged, items for sale, proving football fans really will buy anything. And clubs will do anything to rinse them.
For example, when was the last time you looked at your three-in-one phone charging cable and thought; ‘Gosh, I wish my club sold one of these with the badge on for £15’? Well, if you’re a Bournemouth fan, this is your lucky day.
Like your air to be nice and diffused? Sure you do. But how about diffused air, Brighton & Hove Albion style?
Honestly, these clubs will sell anything. For all your branded premium leather laptop bag needs, Arsenal do a branded premium leather laptop bag. That’ll be £140, by the way. At the other end of the market, have a Chelsea dual-action pump for a fiver.
For the stressed-out Newcastle United fan in your life, gift them a… stress ballalthough if Newcastle is the thing that is causing the problem in the first place, having the club badge on the ball invites a never-ending cycle of stress and relief.
Plenty of Manchester United fans have surely been driven to drink by the team’s many hilarious failures in recent years, so it’s no wonder they sell United hip flaskswhile for absolutely no reason whatsoever, here’s a Liverpool rubber duck.
Unsurprisingly, Fulham go up-market with a candle for £35, while for the Leeds United fan who has absolutely everything, here’s a wipe-clean table cover which, frankly, has to be seen to be believed.
Why on earth would you buy the popular family game Connect Four when instead you can buy the ‘Manchester City 4 in a Row Game‘, in which every single coin is blue.
You know when you purchase a car and you’re asked by the salesperson if you want the car mats thrown in for free? “No thanks mate, I buy mine at the Everton club shop.”
Are you even a proper Brentford fan if you don’t own Brentford sweatbands?
Are you even a dog who supports Aston Villa, Sunderland, Nottingham Forest or Burnley if you don’t eat out of a bowl with the club’s crest on it?
Like the West Ham United defence, this thong doesn’t cover much.
Pretend you’re a Crystal Palace employee, not just a fan, by wearing this Palace lanyard around your neck.
And for £37, here’s Tottenham Hotspur Monopoly, where the card (probably) says; ‘Go to jail, to avoid having to watch Spurs’.
‘The smell of weed in the tunnel’
Finally this week, after the Hollywood takeover at Wrexham and Tom Brady getting involved at Birmingham City, surely nothing can reflect the changing face of the EFL more than a meeting of minds between Snoop Dogg and Paul Heckingbottom.
Snoop Dogg was in attendance for Swansea’s game against Preston (Dan Mullan/Getty Images)
The Preston North End manager was asked if there was anything different about the occasion after his team were part of co-owner Snoop Dogg’s first visit to Swansea since getting involved with the club last summer.
“I think just the smell of weed in the tunnel is the only thing where we realised something was different,” Heckingbottom said in a press conference.
Swansea’s manager Vitor Matos was asked in his press conference for his view on Heckingbottom’s comments.
“The only thing to say is that their chairman was probably happy as well taking selfies with Snoop,” he said. “So I have nothing to say about that, so all good.”
After Preston conceded a stoppage-time equaliser, reports that a noticeably relaxed Heckingbottom told his players to “chill out, lads” are unconfirmed.
